Oysters... Pearls of Self Doubt & Reflection
Since Madeira, relaxation has lead to deep thoughts, thoughts leading to overwhelming reflection and massive actions as a result. I've taken my time over the last few weeks to consider how to relax and look after myself as well as feeling fulfilled and active as that's obviously the state I enjoy. With chats on the Growth Catalyst course and my business coach Ros, I began to learn about myself, my drivers, why do I do what I do and how have I ended up being the person I am. Ros forced me to consider my character and actions and what I believe people value in me, she unearthed some truths that were difficult to swallow, of unhappy times in the past I had allowed to continue to effect me now, and hinder my day to day being and experiences. I had held back my full self for fear of being rejected, questioned my self in most situations where I should be able to feel sure, completely sure. In my relationship with Dan, I should have that feeling of ultimate safety, yet my behaviours showed how I doubted if I was worthy of the security and certainty of a loving relationship, was my presence with family and friends important or valued, such doubts and lack of self confidence seemed alien to accept, but all so true. Accepting these massive weak spots and working out where and how they started has had a real impact on me, with long talks with Ros, Dan and my best friends I've deciphered how ridiculous the doubt is and how ludicrously harsh I can be on myself. Im lucky to have such support that I can talk openly about feelings of a lack of self confidence and belief, which may seem totally bizarre to those who only know me from a distance or as a business person, yes I have my confidence and belief at work, but in my personal life that had been damaged and I now feel reassured that I can work to build it back up again. All of these findings seem to have came about as a result of re-evaluating my life, previous to the new paradigm with Best Year Yet, I ran into being busy, always busy always working, long unproductive hours, maybe to prevent having to acknowledge what confidence and security I missed in my personal life. By adopting my paradigm and wanting to dream big and achieve total fulfilment and contentment I have had to push the work me and private me together, it's a lifestyle I pursue, where work and life overlap and intertwine in some sort of happy garden of roots, there is no divide in the soil where the flowers take route and my life can't and shouldn't be seperated into two. I can't be a confident content me at work and an anxious uncertain me at home, the cracks start to show, I close myself off and become difficult to be around, having a negative impact on all aspects of life.
My friends and Dan seemed alarmed when all this self doubt came to a head, how could I feel that way and why? But don't we all have bouts of uncertainty and a lack of self belief, it just seemed mine had laid very well hidden in the wilderness under a giant, well rooted shrub. I've dug out those roots with the help of my squad and I'm starting to break them down with a good kick in the shin whenever these doubts surface. Reading in Grazia how June Sarpong felt the exact same doubts with her alter ego Agyness, all be it that she had Barack Obama and Bill Clinton to face, offered me some comfort when writing probably my most honest blog to date. Maybe if more of us, women in particular, speak out about our frequent dances with imposter syndrome and the likes then it wouldn't take so long for us to realise exactly what we are doing in the privacy of our own thoughts, often subconsciously but potentially creating earth and relationship shattering problems all around us.
Honesty, as mum always says, is the best policy, and with honesty these issues have been raised and hopefully dealt with allowing a continuation of my life with fulfilment in all aspects. This month iv managed to almost complete the house renovation, finalised the plan and structure for Silky Bouquets, squeezed a bucket list worthy trip to Iceland with Dan in and finally progressed a massive seven year dream for a new business. Dreamt up fresh from uni but hindered by my self doubt and uncertainty, Sophia Vincent started as a vision for a design company of my own, one I couldn't quite decipher how or when or why to launch, but low and behold, with some honesty, reflection, coaching from Ros and Andrew and support from my family and friends I'm about to step onto a new leg of business, a dreamy design business of my own, a personal, feminine, stylish and luxurious brand of anything I like… the worlds my oyster, and my next oyster is going to be very pretty and enjoyable, oozing a hell of a lot more self confidence than the previous oyster I inhabited.
Back soon with more on Sophia Vincent.